Parent Trap
by MisterQ
Summary: Xander decides to dress up his sleeping parents before going Trick-or-Treating. Chaos results.
1. Chapters 1 to 7

_Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy & Co. or any other characters or situations that you may recognize in this story._

1. Chapter One

**Parent Trap**

He should have known. He should have known that his idea would backfire. But the costume store proprietor, Ethan (May he be dragged into a icy Hell filled with Teletubbies) was offering a 'buy one, get two free' sale in the rummage bin. And Xander just couldn't pass up getting two free things with his plastic gun - especially when he saw the mustache and long black wig.

It seemed perfect. His parents were sleeping off a hangover when he was leaving for his school-mandated trick-or-treat extravaganza. He quietly slipped on the black wig onto his mother's head slowly as not to wake her, and applied the sticky mustache to his dad's face.

Then he left, almost giggling at the thought of each parent waking up and thinking in an alcohol fueled daze, that they were with someone other than their spouse. Sure, they may try to take it out on him later once they realize, but they tended to do that every day for everything anyways.

It was only after the spell ended and he went home did he discover the changes that took place. The first hint was the very sharp butcher's knife that suddenly embedded itself a hairsbreadth above his head just as he closed the front door.

"Now son," said Tony with a very real mustache, a striped suit, and a slight Spanish accent, "you simply must explain why it seems we live in a town full of vampires and demons..."

Xander started to sweat as his mother, now with permanent long black hair and a Gothic black dress, continued.

".. and have never once been out hunting as a family?" She aristocratically lifted up a crossbow that seemed far too big for someone of her size to effortlessly hold. "After all, a family that hunts together, stays together. Comprenez?"

Xander, horrified, turned to his father who was now staring at his mother with unabashed love in his eyes.

"Oh, Jessica!" he said, "I love it when you speak French!"

And as his father stared kissing his mother up and down the arm, a wide eyed Xander turned around and started beating his head against the wall in the hopes that some normality would return to his life.

"Great idea, son!" Tony cheerfully said in between kisses. "Toughen up that skull for when we take on that vampire nest tomorrow night!"

Chapter 2

Xander was relieved. He managed to convince his 'new and improved' parents not to meet the rest of the Scoobies immediately, making them promise to wait until next evening when he hoped the changes would have worn off. Unfortunately, he currently found himself waking up unable to move at all. Looking down, he saw he was strapped spread eagle in sturdy chains - to the wall.

"Can't we talk this over?" He said to his father - the man who had traded in his bottle of booze for a wicked looking black curved ceremonial dagger and was currently reading from an arcane book that floated four feet off the ground. "You do know that you are not Gomez Addams, right?"

"Of course I know this, son. Our recent.. body guests saw the condition of our lives and decided to give us a parting gift. Took them most of the evening, but they finally managed to twist the bright chaos magic enough to impart on us their unique point of view - along with various skills we can now put to good use." Tony said.

Jessica spoke up while stirring a bubbling foaming potion in a massive cauldron. "Would you have rather two alcoholics that treat you worse than most decent people treat dogs - even ones they are about to sacrifice later? The only thing they did right was try to arrange the empty beer cans and liquor bottles in a somewhat pleasant manner, although their Feng Shui was atrocious." She pointed one long sleeve towards where the formerly full alcohol containers now were stacked and pasted into strange Gothic flying buttresses throughout the room - making it look vaguely cathedral-esque.

"We're not stupid, Xander, my son." She continued, "In this reality, as in many others, our new adopted family is merely entertainment. But in some, they are as real as you and myself."

"So.. they left you a gift?" Xander tried stalling whatever his parents were planning for him.

"Oh yes!" Tony said with wide eyes and a grin. "Several, in fact. The Addamses, and now the Harrises by extension, have been expert mages, sorcerers, and warlocks for thousands of years. (Witches and half-succubi on your mother's side.) And while you know what they say about power corrupting, they always seem to forget the corollary."

Xander's father leaned closer. "Power corrupts, but if you're really lucky or work really hard - you can control what you want corrupted."

Xander looked confused as he continued hanging wrapped in chains. "What does that even mean?"

"Perhaps it would be better to show him, my little love-muffin?" Tony said.

"Agreed." Jessica went over to the door where the large butcher knife was sill sticking through the wood and casually pulled it out. "Ready, my love?"

"One moment." Tony went to the kitchen and came back with a large Fiji apple that he gently balanced on top his own head. "Ready when you are, rose of all roses."

Xander's mother nodded and threw the knife with amazing speed - right into her husband's forehead. Her son let out a horrified squeak as Tony collapsed like a string-less marionette. The apple, whole and untouched, rolled away back into the kitchen.

"You! You killed him!" Xander shouted once he got his voice back. Jessica slid across the floor over to her collapsed husband and gently prodded him with her foot. Tony didn't respond. "He might have been a horrible father, but he was the only one I..."

"Surprise!!" Tony shouted as he jumped up - nearly giving Xander a teenage heart attack.

"You.. How? Wha? But.. Zuh?" Xander stammered.

"Just the sort of eloquence you'd associate with the poor educational system in this country." Tony said as he ripped out the knife from his forehead. The wound closed up in seconds.

"We're not immortal, son." Jessica cleared up. "We age. We can still be killed, but it will take an extraordinary effort."

Xander thought he heard his father mutter something about torch-wielding mobs. His mother continued. "It is just that we usually get the chance to set our own expiration date. And we try to live life to the fullest until that fateful, glorious day."

Tony spoke up. "When it doesn't matter if the parachute opens or not, you have to make your own thrills, son. Unfortunately, we would be further derelict in our parenting duties if we couldn't extend the same family gifts to all our demon-hunting children."

Xander's eyes widened. "Wait, you're telling me that you guys are going to make with the indestructibility and lay it upon me?"

"Of course!" His father exclaimed. "Unless you enjoy being beaten upon by those tacky soulless bloodsuckers - not that there's anything wrong with a friendly beating every now and then, but you should probably wait until you meet that one special girl."

It took a few moments to shake an image of Buffy in a dominatrix outfit with a whip, but after he did that, Xander thought of all the help he could do with helping patrol and the payback he could inflict on all the vamps for what happened to Jessie and probably all the other people from school in the obituaries. Then something his father said raised a warning flag in his mind.

"Uh, dad? The family gifts sound great. It'll really let me lay into the bastards that got Jessie. But What exactly did you mean when you said 'all of your demon-hunting children'?"

Jessica smiled. "We wanted to surprise you a little later, son of mine. I know it has only been a day and a half since your father and I, well... I can show you the video later."

"Looks like you're going to have a sibling, son!" Tony grinned.

Xander's brain chose that moment to overload.

"He fainted." Tony Harris said, raising the ceremonial dagger. "Too bad. The procedure will hardly hurt at all if he's unconscious. Oh well. Time's a wasting!"

3. Chapter 3

Xander woke up to a headache. Well, a headache and his parents doing the tango as the glow from all the mystical sigils carved into his skin slowly faded, followed by the wounds themselves fading. The headache remained.

As the music ended and his father took the rose (no petals, just the thorny stem part) from his mouth, both his parents looked at him.

"Oh look, Jessica, he's awake. And alive! He's ALIVE!!" Tony yelled in his best mad scientist voice. "I always wanted to say that. Ha ha!"

"Do not worry, dear Alexander." His mother spoke up. "He is just, as you would say, pulling your chain. The ritual only has a 40 fatality rate."

"Forty-three percent when I do it!" Tony grinned.

"Ugh.. my head." Xander groaned.

"Yes, it didn't explode like a watermelon falling from an airplane." Tony added, "Congratulations!"

"Honey love, " Xander's mother turned to his father, "why would a falling watermelon explode?"

"I'd always packed them full of explosives. Who doesn't love chunks of watermelon raining down inexplicably at terminal velocity across a mile wide swath of land?"

"You always say the sweetest things, husband of mine." Xander didn't close his eyes fast enough not to see his parents kiss. Although to be fair, the kiss did last almost five minutes. Followed by groping.

Whatever that was going to be followed by, Xander really didn't want to see - so he cleared his throat. Loudly. About a dozen times.

Finally, his parents took notice. "Why are you still hanging around on the wall, Alexander?"

"Well dad, there's the small matter of the chains." Xander rattled said restraints.

"You're stronger now, son. Not as strong as a vampire or that slayer friend of yours - what was her name again? Muffy? Fluffy?" Tony said.

Jessica commented, "It's 'Buffy', dear. Such a nice name. Her mother must have been overcome by the labor pains when she wrote that on the birth certificate. Either that, or she must not want her daughter visiting England. Like naming someone here in the states, 'Fornicatia' or 'Intercorsy'. Although, if she went there and started dating a 'Shaggy'; it would make a matched set."

Her husband stared at her for a moment before shrugging and continuing, "Like I said, you're stronger now, but not too much stronger, though. You're also about as fast as a master vampire, maybe about a little slower than a slayer. On the other hand, your durability and endurance is completely off the scale. Go ahead, try to get free."

"Arn't you going to help?" Xander asked.

"Like a butterfly needs to free itself from a cocoon in order to strengthen its wings, so you need to break free of your steel-linked cocoon, Alexander." his mother said.

Xander strained against the chains. Amazingly, they were slowly giving way. He smiled and put forth a stronger effort. And promptly dislocated his shoulder.

"Excellent, that's the way to do it! Now your other shoulder and you can get free!" Tony exclaimed.

The boy blinked. Usually he had heard that, unlike what some Hollywood movies show, dislocating his shoulder was a horribly painful experience. But he had felt a brief spike of pain followed by nothing. Like someone sharply flicked him on the shoulder with a finger. Surprised, Xander strained again against his other shoulder until he felt that one pop out of the socket.

After emerging from the chains, he slammed his shoulders into the wall, one at a time - popping the joints back into place with no more pain than popping them out.

"Now what?" he asked, smiling widely at the thoughts of actually being able to take a vampire-strength punch with little or no concern.

"Now," Tony grinned back at his son, "We do the dance of blades!"

With that, he grabbed three rapiers from the table and tossed one to Xander and one to Jessica.

They fought. Xander lost. Over and over. And over. But he did slowly get better.

Later that evening, the happy family walked towards the school where Xander called ahead and let everyone know that he would explain everything including why he missed a day of school. His parents even offered to write him a formal note to the principal stating that his absence was understandably due to a series of prolonged arcane rituals. Xander declined.

Everything was going a little too smoothly - which explained the six vampires that currently surrounded the threesome.

"Why looky here." said the apparent leader of the group who wore the requisite dark trench coat. "A walking happy family combination meal. And I didn't even order take-out."

Tony spoke up to his family. "Eh.. what do you think? About a three out of ten for originality and maybe two-and-a-half for effort?"

"Please, darling." Jessica said eloquently. "You are being far too generous. It's common street trash like this that give all Nosferatu a bad name. What do you think son of mine."

Xander grinned in anticipation of the battle. "Eh, I've heard better."

The vampires were both put-off by the nonchalance of their prey and enraged at their words. "Who the hell do you think you people are? I'll tell you who you are. You're dead! All of you!"

"It looks like something I said didn't agree with their refined sensibilities." Jessica said. "It's a good thing I brought mace."

With that, she reached into her large purse bag and pulled out the predictable medieval spiked weapon. "Mace enough for everyone."

She reached in and pulled out two more. And some rope.

A few minutes later, the family continued onwards with Tony talking. "And that's why it's better not to kill them immediately. We came out a few hundred dollars richer, and you my son, got a very nice trench coat out of the deal."

"It is better than the horrid things you usually wear. Those shirts from.. Hawaii." Jessica shuddered at the word.

"I don't know love. Those things are so bad, that their bright prints can confuse an enemy. Much like a Zebra's stripes can confuse the aim of a bazooka-wielding safari hunter." Tony voiced his opinion. "Besides, I think we should soon have enough for a new wardrobe for our only son. "

"Fine, fine. I'll get rid of.. some of the shirts. But like dad said, it can be useful being underestimated by your enemy in combat situations." Xander said, letting a little of his soldier persona through. "Just look at what happened to those pathetic vampires."

Xander pointed towards where the six crushed, bleeding, and twitching demons were lying, stripped of everything but their underwear and expertly tied in provocative positions to one another. Helpless to do anything, even with their vampire healing, until well after the sun would rise. And they wouldn't have to worry about anyone untying them. Not even other vamps would want to approach what appeared from a distance to be a six person male vampire orgy.

Tony grinned. "You know the Addams' family motto was 'Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc'. I suppose the Harris' family motto should be 'We would gladly beat the ever-loving crap out of those that would subdue us'."

Xander grinned. Perhaps his new and improved family wouldn't be too bad to have around from now on. "That motto works for me."

_Addams' motto: Pseudo-latin for 'We gladly feast on those who would subdue us'._

4. Chapter 4

"Hello, everyone!" Tony Harris said as he and his family entered the High School library.

Xander interrupted whatever his father was about to say next. "Hi guys. I know my call was brief and a little hazy, but I'll try to explain everything. First, these are my.. somewhat altered parents, mom and dad - er.. Jessica and Tony Harris."

"A pleasure to see such a nice collection of individuals." drawled Jessica with a slight bow.

Xander gestured towards his friends. "Parental units, these are my friends and associates. Rupert Giles or G-Man as he loves to be called." The librarian gave a snort of indignation before the boy continued.

"My bestest friend, Willow Rosenberg." The shy redhead waved. "Technopagan and computer teacher, Jenny Calender. Social queen, Cordelia Chase. ("I'm just here because it was convenient after cheerleading practice let out.") And of course, Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer."

"Good lord!" Giles exclaimed. "What part of 'secret identity' do you not understand?"

"My son's done nothing wrong. I'd have been able to spot the demon-enhanced demon huntress on my own." Tony said to the Englishman. "My mage sight is quite advanced. I like the demon tattoo on you arm, by the way, G-Man. Stylish, yet dooming."

Giles scowled at Xander's father while clutching his tweed jacket covered arm. "What exactly happened to your parent on Halloween, Xander? Your message of 'Meet at Library, nine o'clock. Parents altered by Halloween chaos magic.' left a lot of details to be desired."

"Well, remember how I got the three-for-one special at Ethan's bargain bin? I, well, kinda used the Cher wig and mustache to dress my parents up like Gomez and Morticia Addams from the Addams Family. Seems the Addamses left them a few gifts before going back to their dimension or whatever." Xander said. "But hey, on the plus side - they are taking more of an interest in family togetherness. We took out six vamps on the way over."

"Good lord!" Giles started polishing his glasses.

"Are you alright?" Willow asked.

"Sure thing, Wills." Xander smiled. "Not even a scratch left over. And you should have seen the other guys. My improved family also kinda did some, um.. rituals on me. Not that I had a choice, of course, but I'm a bit more durable now. Thus we can help with the slaying and stuff."

"No you can't." Buffy spoke up. "This is my destiny. Vampires versus Vampire Slayer. Tell him, Giles."

"Ooh, she's feisty!" Tony spoke up with a grin. "And a magical warrior to boot. Your red-haired friend has enormous magic potential. The computer teacher is of fine Romany stock - now some of those tribes can hold a grudge, let me tell you. And look at this one!"

He pointed towards Cordelia. "What a looker. She's 'a womb with a view'. That's what we call 'fine child-berthing hips'! Why she can spawn you an entire litter of babies with those!" Xander's father leered at the cheerleader's ample chest area. "And then have no problems feeding them!"

Cordelia opened her mouth in shock and outrage, but nothing came out immediately except a small squeak. Without further ado as the amount of comeback lines overloaded her brain, Cordelia grabbed her stuff and ran out.

"Daaad!" Xander flushed red of embarrassment. Even with all the Addams' enhancements, you couldn't completely take the Tony Harris out of the man.

"It occurs to me, that I've never actually given you 'The talk', son." Xander's embarrassed lush grew a few more shades of red as he started quietly chanting 'no no no no not happening' to himself.

"You see, son, you're coming of an age when you'll want to play the field. Sow some oats. Plow a few gardens. Take your throbbing... " Xander stared slack-jawed at the words that came out of his father's mouth. He was sure if the speech was being broadcast on network television, it would consist with one massive censor beeeep, ending right before "... with the doberman and three jars of peanut butter, applied liberally."

Giles' glasses broke as the lens he was polishing flew out onto the floor. Buffy was staring with her mouth opened. Jenny Calender was also staring open-mouthed, but was thinking about how she should have been taking notes. On the other hand, Willow's brain simply shut down.

"There you go." Tony Harris pointed at the fainted redhead on the ground. "She seems willing."

"Oh, you say the most romantic things, honey love!" Jessica said.

Xander was still clutching and shaking his head in a negative; wishing for the existence of a product called 'Brain Brillo' to scrub his memory away - even as his parents started kissing. Then groping.

5. Chapter 5

"Hey!" Came the voice of Angel as he strode into the library. "On the way over here, I just killed six ferocious...ly ... gay... vampires. Um..."

The vampire with a soul stopped and stared at the scene. Xander's parents were currently making out in a corner like sex-starved teenagers. Xander, himself, was smashing his head against a wall - that now had a small crater in it. Giles was polishing a non-existent lens on his glasses, staring straight ahead in some sort of stupor. Buffy was also staring straight ahead at nothing, also in a daze. Willow was unconscious on the floor, and Jenny Calender was rapidly scribbling something in a spiral bound notebook.

Angel waved his hand in front of Buffy's face. There was no response. "I'll.. um.. come back later." he said and calmly but rapidly walked out the doors. He had no desire to be affected by whatever diabolical spell had hit the library.

"My life is over!" Xander exhaled as he smashed his head against the wall once more, cracking loose another bit of plaster.

The next day, Xander Harris was still very much alive, but as the day progressed, he rapidly began to wish that were not so.

As he entered the School, Cordelia walked up to him and got in his face. "Harris." She hissed. "You, your family, stay the hell away from me."

He went to his locker after the social princess walked away, but there he saw Willow and Buffy. His childhood friend immediately blushed until she was almost the color of her hair, squeaked once, and ran off. Buffy also blushed and said, "I.. class time.. for me.. now.", then ran off as well.

Xander slammed his head into the locker, denting it.

If High School was a racetrack, the fastest thing to make the rounds would be a rumor. And almost immediately, everyone knew that something happened between Buffy, Xander, and Willow.

"Hey, uh, Xander." Said Larry, still with a black eye courtesy of soldier boy on Halloween. "About the possibility of me dating Buffy..."

The jock trailed off as Xander ripped out the door to his locker and handed it to him. The stunned football player stared as Xander stalked away with his head down low, and then looked at the mangled locker door.

"Mister Blaisdell! Defacing school property! Come with me! I will definitely be speaking to your parents about this!" Came the voice of Principal Snyder.

"But.. I'm not.. That wasn't.. Not me!" Larry blurted.

"If you are hoping to impress me with your English language skills, you have failed. Probably much like your actual grade in the class that tries to teach such skills." Snyder said as he took the mangled locker door and started escorting the flustered football player to his office. "But then, you should already be well familiar with failure."

The next few days passed in more or less the same way for the new social pariah of Sunnydale High. A lonely day at school, along with the occasional 'blush and run away' from his two female friends. The same nervous blow-off line from Giles about there being nothing special happening on the hellmouth at this time. And then, being cheered up a little by getting to take his aggressions out on vampire and demon population of the town as he patrolled with his family.

Whenever he and his family would come within visual contact of Buffy on her patrol, she would always, immediately, change her route and quickly head in the opposite direction. Especially, since the first time Xander's father yelled out loudly, "Remember the Doberman!"

Things continued right up until Buffy's old friend came to town.

6. Chapter 6

Being estranged from everyone except his parents, with whom Xander had been spending all the nights out hunting vampires and demons, was causing the happy-go-lucky boy to change. His sarcastic, one-liner spouting, humor side was defiantly developing, much to the joy of one Tony and Jessica Harris.

They were especially proud when Xander told a vampire that he was going to fight to disarm him, only for the confused bloodsucker to state that he wasn't carrying a weapon. The end result of the fledgling demon getting beaten upside the head with his own two severed arms (before they dusted) made the parents grin something fierce.

Home life had also improved considerably. Tony had been investing most of the spoils he and his wife had been looting from the vampires, and it seems that just about every investment had gone up. When Xander asked how he did it, Tony grinned and said that whenever you, or any magical or clairvoyant beings, try to make money in the market; the gods of chaos will toy with you until you are destitute. That was also the reason why no psychic has ever won the lottery. If you just grin and start trying to have a little fun and not mind if you lose what you put in, then chances are, you will actually start making money. The trick was to not let the chaos gods know that you're not really trying to lose the money.

This explanation only caused Xander to develop a massive headache.

His fashion sense stubbornly remained the same, although he did wear a vampire trenchcoat over the clashing Hawaiian print shirts. Having a rapidly growing collection of vampire trenchcoats and jackets just made him smile, and the shirts were for his vow to never wear all black like a certain dead boy he knew.

In fact, family togetherness was at such an all time high, that Xander wondered if Tony alienated him from his friends on purpose with that... talk. But the more he thought about the new Tony Harris, the more Xander discounted that theory. Tony had always been a man of action, by which he acted first and thought later - if at all. Gomez Addams was a creature of exuberance and chaos. Neither attributes lent themselves to careful schemes and backup plans. It was just hit the cue ball as hard as you can just to watch all the carefully racked balls go bouncing everywhere.

"So, you were possessed by a hyena?" Tony Harris asked with his usual grin pasted on. They had been talking about what had happened ever since Xander had found out about the night life in the town.

"Yup. A primal hyena spirit," Xander said uncomfortably. "I ate a live pig and tried to.. um.. forcibly mate with Buffy."

"Hyenas. Such happy beasts," Jessica expounded. "Especially when they're ripping apart a defenseless animal."

"Too true, my little rose thorn," Tony said. "And next time, son, try to use a little subtlety when you try and mate with that Buffy girl. Maybe offer her a chunky piece of your fresh pig kill?"

"Women do like gifts," Xander's mother nodded.

Xander smiled and just shook his head, dimly realizing that he was slowly getting used to his parents, version 2.0.

At school, Xander was hoping things settled down some. He had missed talking with Willow and Buffy. He was about to try to apologize and get back into the conversation, when Buffy's old friend, Billy Fordham, showed up. Xander noticed something was off about the new boy, but he wasn't sure if it was anything mystical or otherwise. His mage sight was still developing, even though his parents both agreed it would eventually surpass their own.

It was the day after that Willow approached him.

"Um, Xander. I have something to tell you, about Buffy's new friend, Ford, I mean," Willow said nervously.

"Yeah, the boy who is a car. What's up with that?"

"No, I mean. He saw Buffy staking a vampire at the Bronze last night, but he knew all about her being the slayer already! Then, Angel came by and asked me to do some investigation on Ford, you know. It turns out that he isn't even enrolled here! I tried to tell Buffy, but Ford was there, and I was all 'Um, I want to tell you something, but Ford is right there so I can't', and Buffy was all 'Oh, Willow is twitchy. She must have had some coffee recently', and I can't have coffee, because I start to babble much too fast, and.."

"Whoa, there! Big dose of Willow-babble there," Xander said with a smile and then though about what he had heard. "Hmm, about Ford. Well, in the immortal words of Hank Hill, 'That boy ain't right'. I think we need to keep a closer eye on mister car-boy."

"Well, I did find a club that was connected to Ford's name online. The Sunset Club. I think it has a vampire theme!"

Xander smirked. "A vampire themed club on the hellmouth? Who'd have thunk it?"

"Ha ha, Xander. I'm serious. We should investigate it, at least."

"Well, do you mind if we bring a bit of backup? It is a vampire-themed club and all."

"I can ask Angel, " Willow brightly said.

"I was thinking of heavy-duty back up. My family."

"Oh. Um, yeah. That should be okay," said Willow as the small blush faded. "Do you think they can dress up like vampires, though?"

Xander just stared incredulously at his Willow-shaped friend.

"Oh, yeah. Right."

That evening found Xander, Willow, Angel, and Xander's parents walking into the bombshell-converted Sunset Club after telling the doorman that they knew Ford.

"Hmm, I'm noticing a theme here, " Xander looked around. "Like Anne Rice meets Gary Gygax. The only thing missing is some Cure or Bauhaus playing on the speakers."

At that moment, Bauhaus' 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' started playing.

"I take that back, " Xander observed. "Nothing is missing."

"You guys are newbies. I can tell," spoke an enthusiastic girl dressed up like the stereotypical vampire.

"We have plenty of.. experience," Jessica Harris drawled out. She was dressed in an almost perfect duplicate of one of Morticia Addams' dresses, complete with gothic arm sleeve tails that went down to the floor. She and Tony had applied makeup liberally in a goth style, causing both of them to appear much younger than their true ages.

"Don't be ashamed! It's cool that you're open to it. We welcome anyone who's interested in the Lonely Ones," said the girl.

"They're lonely because their soul has left for vacation and forgot to tell the body," Xander quipped. "Also, nobody likes them because they make terrible house guests; what with the killing and the torture and stuff."

"Now, now, son, " grinned Tony, "Nothing wrong with mixing a little torture and house guests every now and again."

"Are you lonely, Mr. Angel?" Jessica Harris asked with neutral curiosity.

"I think he's dating Buffy," Willow chimed in.

"Ahh, yes. Vampire and vampire slayer. Who could have predicted that opposites attract?" Jessica said.

Xander shrugged. "Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat?" he offered helpfully.

The pretend vampire girl just shook her head in a combination of sadness and confusion and walked away.

7. Chapter 7

"I've seen enough. I've seen this type before. I mean, they're children making up bedtime stories of friendly vampires to comfort themselves in the dark," Angel scoffed at the people in the Sunset club.

"Personally, I have found the dark very comforting on its own," Jessica Harris responded, looking off towards a darkened corner of the modified bomb shelter before grabbing Tony and dragging him off. "Let's explore the comforting darkness, my beloved."

"Technically, you're a friendly vampire with a story," Xander told Angel, only to receive a strong scowling glare back. "Well okay, you're not that friendly. And your story is filled with so much brooding, it will probably never be shown on television or movies. Although, maybe if they pair you up with an annoying side-kick or a hot chick or something. Vampire crime drama, maybe? 'Deadboy Forehead McBroodypants, the tv series'. Heck, you'll have all the people in this entire club for an audience!"

"Don't call me that! And these people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress..."

A party goer dressed exactly like Angel walked past, giving the scowling vampire an approving nod at his choice of wardrobe.

"I'm not sure, but is there some kind of store that caters towards stylish outerwear for the undead?" Xander said while thinking. "I have two coats just like yours in my growing collection. I just didn't want to wear one today because, you know; two guests in a club, both wearing the same thing. It's unseemly."

"I think it may have something to do with vampire's body temperature," Willow said. "Coats keep the heat in, and all that."

"It's not like they're going to freeze to death, Willow," Xander shook his head. "Er, freeze to their second death, I mean."

"No. Have you ever touched a defrocked vampire at night. They are much with the cold and clammy," Willow said. "The coats probably lessen that somewhat."

"Defrocked?" Xander raised one eyebrow in amusement.

"Er, without a frock. No coat. Coat-less vampire," Willow blushed.

"Okay, I'm leaving," Angel said and was promptly ignored by Xander and Willow. The vampire sighed and made for the exit door.

"Why are you thinking about naked undressed vampires, Willow?" The dark haired boy teased.

"I didn't say naked! Defrocked is not naked!"

"Hmm, I bet most of these people in the club will have sex with a vampire," Xander said with a smile. "Can you imagine? Cold, clammy vampire sex?"

"Ewww!" Wilow stuck out her tongue in disgust. "I hope I'll never meet a person who would want that!"

"Ditto, " a stray thought suddenly manifested in Xander. "Although you know who probably wouldn't mind cold, clammy vamp sex? Ford! Maybe I should go and investigate him a little more closely. A guy doesn't enroll into high school, but does attends the classes; then goes to a vamp wannabe club on the hellmouth. Something is hinky!"

"Maybe the guy is into torture and stuff?" Willow said meekly.

"No, that would only explain the high school," Xander spoke. "We should go."

"What about your parents?"

A wannabe vampire goth girl passed by, busy speaking to her friend, "You know, I think there's an old couple dry humping in the far corner."

Xander blinked and sighed in resignation, "They'll be fine."

()

Ford had just gotten back from making his deal with Spike when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, he saw Xander standing there, holding both hands behind his back. "You're Willow's friend, right? What do you want?"

"Um, yeah. I'm actually trying to make a little money after school by going door to door, selling shovelings."

"Selling what? What's a shoveling?" Ford asked.

"Here, let me show you," Xander said with a wild grin as he whipped out a shovel from behind his back and, with supernatural speed, whacked Ford across the head with it, "Don't worry. The first one's a free sample. No charge."

()

Ford woke up with a massive headache and gradually noticed that that he couldn't move any of his limbs. "Uh, why am I chained to the wall?"

"Because the torture chamber in the basement isn't complete yet, of course," said Tony Harris with a wide-eyed grin.

"Because you were my lucky customer of the day," Xander said, still wielding his digging implement, "you win a lifetime's supply of unlimited shovelings!"

"Thanks, but I don't think I want any more shovelings," Ford said, still groggy.

"But they're free! You can examine the fine Corinthian metal polish up close over and over again!"

Ford decided to switch tactics, "Why are you doing this?"

"Good question. I actually have a few questions for you. I can ask them, then if you lie according to the truth detection spell, I hit you with a shovel. Lather, rinse, repeat," Xander said seriously, "Of course, there is a fun alternative."

"What's the fun alternative?" Ford asked.

"That's where we forgo the truth spell and I start wailing on you with mister happy fun shovel here until you tell me everything bad you've ever done or have planned; or start making faint squeaky noises and then pass out. In which case, I'll gently wake you up and then we'll continue where we left off."

"You can't do this! You will have a long jail sentence once I'm through with you!"

Xander shook his head, "No. If you play it that way, you will only have a short obituary that will most assuredly contain the phrase 'authorities have yet to find the head'."

Ford blanched.

"So, shall we try the truth detection spell way?" Xander smiled.

Buffy's old friend just nodded.

()

"Wasn't that easy? I hardly had to use the shovel at all," Xander said with a smile. Ford just groaned in response.

"Now, let's talk about you selling out Buffy in exchange for getting vamped," The high school student just shook his head sadly, "Buffy and I may not be on speaking terms at the moment, but she still is my friend. And as such, I have so much the issues with people trying to kill her for stupid reasons."

"Brain tumors are not stupid reasons," Ford muttered out, "I just wanted to live."

"Well, who doesn't? But still, you did me a solid by fessing up to everything. So, tell you what," Xander smiled wide, "I'm gonna do you a favor. I know this magic ritual that should fix up those nasty tumors right up. If it works."

Ford brightened up with the promise of living longer, "And if it doesn't?"

Xander laughed, "Let's just say, you won't have to worry about the tumors in either case. But don't worry, my dad showed me how to do it and he's an expert."

Tony grinned, "I have a forty-three percent fatality rate!"

"Exactly," Xander said to a rapidly panicking Ford, "Nothing to worry about at all!"

()

"So you understand what to do?" Xander asked.

"Sure, son. Nothing to worry about," said a smiling Tony, "Come, my lovely poison flower, to my secret backyard shed of mystery!"

"How wonderful!" Jessica Harris said expectantly with an elegant smile, "We can frolic there as we often do."

"Not right now, my lovely. We'll do what you're thinking after we return. Right now, we need to get the boxes of enigmatic danger loaded into the car. Then, we follow our brilliant son's plan."

"And then, we can play the lovely game of naked floor jell-o tag where we are not allowed to use our hands or feet?"

"Mom! I don't need to hear this! Just go!" Xander squinted his eyes hoping the mental image would fade soon.

()

After a trip to the Sunnydale police precinct, Tony and Jessica Harris, each holding a megaphone, walked out of their easily stolen police car and towards the bouncer of the Sunset Club.

"Now we don't want to alarm you, my good citizen, but it is urgent that we speak to the person in charge of the club right away," said Tony Harris after flashing the man the badge he had just happen to find on his stolen police uniform.

As they were led inside, the bouncer asked, "What is this about?"

"Well, I can't really say inside the club. It would probably cause a wild panic even if I didn't place this megaphone to my mouth and announce **THERE IS A BOMB THREAT IN THIS CLUB**," Tony said after putting the megaphone to his mouth and turning it on.

The stampede towards the exit door was predictable, although a few club goers lingered behind.

"What is this? What's going on?" said a young man.

"We have received a bomb threat to this establishment, young sir," Jessica said, "We need everyone to leave until the bomb squad arrive. As a precaution, you understand?"

A wannabe vampire girl pouted, "But the lonely ones were going to bless us tonight!"

"Perhaps, they will do that on a different night. An equinox maybe?" Jessica patted the girls head as one would an upset puppy.

The young man who was left behind glanced at the two police officers again a bit more closely, "Hey, weren't you two in the club earlier?"

"No. Those were our twins who do not carry tasers around," Tony said, pulling out his taser and applying it to the young man, dropping him to the ground in a twitching mess, "For his own safety, you understand?"

"Yes, please take him home," Jessica added to the girl, "We will move the bomb-hunting equipment boxes inside."

()

"6:27. Sunset. They should be coming any time now, dearest belladonna blossom," Tony watched from across the street while sitting in the police car, still dressed like an officer.

After a moment, Jessica spoke up, "Ahh, there they are. I do believe that is the vampire Billy Idol look-a-like that our son told us about. Spock, or some silly name like that."

"That's Spike, dearest," Tony said, "And that babbling girl must be his vampire love. How romantic."

"She does seem to speak of such interesting things to her doll," Jessica agreed, "Perhaps she is on some sort of undead versus inanimate object debate club?"

"Oh well, they're nearly in position," Tony observed, "Oh look, one of the minions is running out to tell them that there's no one in the club. Now or never, my love."

"Let us make it now," Jessica said and pushed the detonator button. There was a earth-shaking explosion that destroyed all the vampires inside the empty club except Spike and Drusilla, who managed to avoid the blast due to Drusilla's seer abilities. The two vampires ran off as fast as they could while the fire was still raging inside.

Tony Harris smirked, "I wonder why they were so surprised? It's a bomb shelter. It's supposed to shelter bombs."

"Amazing, my love. All of this violence. I feel like I'm on the set of a Michael Bay film," Jessica smiled, "Do you think Xander would be upset with us if we returned later then planned? I wish to use the siren and lights on this vehicle. We can pull over an unsuspecting motorist and do dark, naughty things to each other on the top of their hood."

Tony grinned his mustached grin, "We can promise them no ticket if they wait until we finish! I do love the games you make, my darling nightshade."

And with that, the police car drove off into the night.

()

"We're home, son!" Tony said enthusiastically as he opened the door, letting his wife in. "We dumped the naked passed out cops back in their car and pushed it into someone's garage. They should be safe, although we did keep the uniforms and handcuffs. For later."

Jessica smiled as she walked into the living room, "How ever did the ritual... go?"

Xander's mother stared at a very messy scene that looked as though someone's head exploded.

"Ford's head exploded," Xander explained, turning off the blood-stained television he had been watching.

Tony smiled, "I'm so proud of you, son! First time, and already you have a better fatality percentage than your old man."

"Whatever happened to the body?" Jessica asked.

"Eh, I dumped it on the football field at school with a fired sawed-off shotgun and a typed note that explained that his gay lover was leaving him for an alien cult," Xander shrugged his shoulders, "Explained in full whiny, graphic detail. It was two and a half pages long, single spaced; not including the horrible goth poem. Or crudely drawn diagrams. I figure the best thing that can happen to old car-boy is for some random passing demon to mercifully devour his body."

"Ahh. An end as honorable as the man," Xander's father nodded in understanding.

"Oh, hey," Xander remembered, "I think I manage to capture his soul in this Orb of Santa Claus!"

"Orb of Thesulah, dear," Jessica corrected.

"Eh, it looked like a fancy tree ornament to me," Xander sighed. For once, he had thought he understood the naming of a mystical artifact.

"Thorn flower, dear," Tony said to his wife, his grin widening, "How rusty are your skills at making golems?"

()

Ford came back into consciousness with a slow groan. His second thought was, 'That doesn't sound like one of my groans.' His first thought was, of course, 'Ow, my head!'

"What happened?" he managed to say in a slow monotone.

"Heya car-boy," Xander said with a cheerful smile, "To make a long story short, the ritual failed. Now I have some of the good news and some of the bad news for you."

"Good news first. You have a new, shiny body. It should last you a few centuries at least. Also, you're taller. Close to seven feet, now. Yay! You could even play basketball if, you know, you weren't a slow moving, magically animated, artificial crime against nature. So, no more tumors and a long life span as a magical being much stronger than a human. It's what you wanted minus the gross sucking of the blood, right?"

Ford drawled out in a slow deep voice, "The bad news?"

"Well, you're bound to this family, for the next few centuries at least. That means, you can't hurt us or go against your orders, such as 'clean the living room of all your former head pieces', and 'stay in the house until ordered otherwise, in which case return to the house after you finish your orders'. Also, you need a new name, since your headless body is probably causing a small incident at school as we speak," Xander thought for a moment, "Since you can't be Ford anymore. Hmm. Oh! I know! I now dub thee... Dodge."

Ford, now a magical golem named Dodge, just let out a long slow groan.


	2. Chapter 8

Xander stalked up to the Sunnydale public library. His mother asked for more books on obscure magic - which the public library was oddly stocked full of. But before he left through the door, Jessica mentioned that his father was there. Now that his investments were providing more and more cash, he was volunteering his time to read to the little children.

Xander made it to the library in record time. As the boy blurred through the doors and towards the children section, he gave a sigh of relief. None of the kids were passed out or screaming in terror. Or passed out after screaming, and possibly vomiting, in terror. Xander took that as a good sign that Tony Harris was just starting to read his story.

"All right, children. Here is a cute little book that I liked when I was your age. It's called, '**Doctor Blood and His Orgy of Gore**'. Page one. In the foggy quiet, sleepy town of Ipswich, Henry Mouse had just received a new sweater.. gah!" Tony said as his son grabbed him by the back of his shirt, ripping him off the little open-backed chair he was sitting on and dragging him towards the exit.

"It's nice to see you too, son; but if I don't finish the story, the little ones will never know what color Henry Mouse's sweater turns at the end!" Tony flailed around as he was dragged out of the Library, but thankfully still maintaining his grip on the self-published children's book.

"I'm sure they could make an educated guess, dad," Xander deadpanned.

The next day, a sobbing Buffy approached Xander and Willow. "Ford is dead. They found his body in the football field."

"There, there. I'm sure he's in a.. um.. better place," Xander said, remembering how Ford, now Dodge, was lazing about; watching daytime soaps while surfing the internet back at home (after he'd been instructed not to give clues or tell anyone who he really was).

"I checked his medical records, because hey, new kid who's also a Buffy friend comes here all of a sudden. Call me little Miss Paranoid," Willow babbled. "It looked like he had brain tumors. He was dying, Buffy."

"He knew about vampires. He saw you stake one, Buffy, and wasn't surprised, right?" Xander asked, "What if he came to Sunnydale to get turned? Maybe he thought that it was better than the alternative?"

Buffy cocked her head to the side, deep in thought. "You know, that would explain the horrible excuse note they found with him and his body's lack of blood."

'And not because most of his blood ended up on my living room walls,' Xander thought to himself, remembering. 'It's amazing how much a sudden lack of head can cause someone to turn into a veritable blood fountain. You know, I should be more traumatized by all this. Why am I not traumatized? I bet vampires would love to have their own blood fountains. Maybe like the ones at the mall, where the water jumps from one place to another. Little kids playing in it all the time. But instead of little kids, it could be vampires. Maybe little kid vampires. Of course, cleaning up little blood-stained vampire children would take forever. It took Dodge almost twelve hours to...'

"...ask Xander? What do you think Xander?" Buffy asked, bringing the boy out of his own musings and into the uncharted regions of a conversation he had stopped paying attention to a minute ago.

"I.. er.. think blood-stained vampire children are a bad thing."

Buffy and Willow just stared at their friend.

That evening, Xander was patrolling on his own. His parents were pouring over the books he got after he returned to the public library. The teen was glad that Buffy was finally talking to him. Although, he was not happy that after Ford's 'demise', she was even more protective of what she believed were her regular human friends. He was sorely tempted to spar with Buffy and have it so she chops off a limb. Maybe seeing him reattach it would convince her that he wasn't made of squishy fragile goo-filled water balloons.

Willow was coming along nicely with the magics. She was still, understandably, wary of Tony Harris, but now had a growing accord with Xander's mother. Mostly, Xander thought, it was because his mom was both willing to teach his friend magic on a regular basis, and come over to her house to instruct, rather that have Willow venture to the Harris' house.

Xander was just passing the school when he saw a man banging on the door who was being chased by a demon woman. He only saw the man banging on the door, because he couldn't hear anything over what he figured was Buffy's training music; and he doubted that Giles or anyone inside the school could hear the banging on the door.

"Hi," Xander said loudly to the man, startling him, "Do you know there's a demon woman coming after you?"

"Aaahhh!" the man screamed after whipping his head around and suddenly seeing Xander. Then he whipped his head around in the other direction and saw the demon lady, "Aaahhh!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Xander nodded and walked over to the demon lady. Mustering his full arsenal of diplomatic tact, Xander spoke to the demon, "Shoo! Skat! Go away!"

The demon woman stopped and spoke in a deep voice, "He has the mark! He has my mark! This body is failing, I need a new one."

Her hand struck out and backhanded Xander into the opposite wall with more than enough force to render a normal human unconscious. She then held out her hands, ready to strangle the terrified man. Then her face met a quickly moving broken two-by-four wielded by Xander, who was not as normal a human as he used to be. "He has your mark? Is that like a hickey? The result of a bad first date or something you need to go on Jerry Springer to talk about?"

"Look, I need to find Rupert Giles," said the frantic man even as several feet away, the demon woman was picking herself off the ground where she had fallen.

"Oh yeah, I know G-man."

"Can you get me into the school?"

"Sure. I have the key, right here," Xander said. Then he lifted his foot and performed a perfect straight stomp kick into the school door utilizing his supernatural strength. There was a massive thump.

"Well, don't I feel silly now," Xander said as he remained standing on one foot while holding his broken wooden two-by-four. The door remained where it was, only now it had a moderate sized dent and a shoe print on it. "They make it look so easy on those cop shows."

That was when the demon lady tackled him through the newly unlocked door. Giles had managed to turn off Buffy's music and heard the thump. Xander quickly recovered and used his wooden weapon to smack the demon woman back out through the door. He pulled the man into the school and slammed shut the door, locking it again. "Hey, G-man. This guy came for you by demon express mail. My guess is that the mail demon lady was upset he didn't have the exact postage."

"Phillip?" said Giles after recovering both from his shock at seeing his old friend and Xander's rambling sentence.

"Rupert!" said the man, "Diedre is after me! Eyghon got to her. He's back!"

"So it is one of those Jerry Springer relationship things!" Xander said. He was greeted by glares from both men. "What?"

_AN: This story is powered by reviews and plot bunnies. Feel free to shovel both into the reactor._

_PS: I did use the title 'Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore from what I consider one of the best MST3K episodes. 'Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders' is a movie that they originally tried to make of two of Stephen King's short stories, but couldn't get the rights. So they added Merlin and tried making it targeted towards children... **but never changed the original short story PLOTS!**_


	3. Chapter 9

"So.. what's the what?" Xander asked Giles and his friend, Phillip. "I mean, who was that demon lady? What's Eyghon, besides one of the ghostbusters, I think. And why do you have her, his, or its mark?"

"Xander, this is a private matter. I would like it if you inquired about this no more."

The dark haired boy examined his librarian friend intensely. "All right. Fine. But just remember. My friends and I are a resource. Just call and we'll help and stuff."

Giles gave a small smile and nodded.

Xander smiled in return, "Kay, have fun catching up on old times, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Rupert just raised an eyebrow.

"Well, things normal sensible people wouldn't do, in any case," Xander waved and unlocked and opened the school door, "Laters!"

oOo

After finishing the rest of the early evening patrol without encountering the demon lady or anything else interesting, Xander stopped by Willow's house and knocked on the door.

"Xander!" bounced the energetic redhead. "What's up?"

"Hey Willow. Just finishing up a boring patrol and your house was on the way." Xander smiled, "It's still early so i was just wondering if ya wanted to come over to my place. We can watch a movie or something."

"Sure! I can also return one of your mom's books. You'll never guess what I've been learning from her. Oh, speaking of which, how are your magic lessons going?"

"They're going; but where to, I can't tell. Most of the magic I try goes wonky."

"Wonky?"

"Yeah, I tried a levitation spell the other day and the pencil floated up and then ignited. Burned into ash in a matter of seconds."

"Really? That was the first thing I had to master." Willow said stunned. "Maybe I can help."

"Sure, Wills! That would be great. Of course, I'll have to stop by the store and pick up a few packs of pencils, but then I can see if your expertise can..."

"What do we have here?" two vampires suddenly appeared from behind a corner of a building.

"Looks like lunch to me, Steve."

Willow just smiled, "Really? 'Cause it looks like levitation practice to me, Xander."

Xander slowly grinned, "I've never tried two at once before. Let's see what happens."

oOo

"Guess what son? Your mother decided to give cooking another try. Isn't that wonderful?" Tony grinned at the two dust-covered teenagers and went back in the kitchen.

Xander, on the other hand, paled considerably.

"What's wrong, Xander?" asked Willow as she placed her borrowed book back on the bookshelves.

"It's my mom," Xander shuddered, "She can't cook."

Willow looked confused, "Can't cook as in not very good at it?"

"No." The boy responded. "She can't cook as in prohibited from doing so by the CDC, the Geneva convention, and several international agencies. Ever since... last time. "

"Why? What happened last time?" The redheaded girl was getting worried.

"She tried to make... _tuna casserole_. It was a Friday night." Xander's eyes had a haunted, shell-shocked look to them. "It took us the entire weekend to chase it down across two counties and then beat it into submission. With chainsaws. And flamethrowers. And chainsaws that were also on fire."

"Oh.."

"When the men in the bio-hazard suits took it away, I.. I think it was still alive. It was still twitching. Maybe even vowing revenge." Xander sat down on the couch and shivered at the memories.

Suddenly, there were a series of explosions from the kitchen. Xander's dad came out of the kitchen with his dark suit in tatters. "Good news! Pudding's almost ready!"

Right then, a long brown slimy tentacle shot out from the kitchen, grabbed the senior Harris by the neck, and dragged him back into the kitchen. Shouting and several more explosions were heard.

An even paler Willow turned to face Xander. "So... pizza?"

"Sounds good. Let's go. Quickly. Now." The two teenagers got up and left the house.

oOo

"What are you two up to?" Xander yawned as he asked Buffy and Willow the next day at the library after school.

Buffy answered casually, "Just having a quick game of 'Anywhere But Here'."

"Ooohhh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park."

"You never come up with anything new," Willow sighed.

"I'm just not fickle like you two, okay? I'm constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park," Xander said, "the cool water glistening off her white bathing suit. I mean - white bathing suit at a waterslide park. What can I do against that? I'm a guy, damn it! I have limits! I also need to sit down quickly and not get up for a little while."

Buffy and Willow just stared at a now sitting Xander who had his eyes shut in concentration and was furiously humming 'Take me out to the ballpark'. Suddenly, a stray thought occurred to Willow. "Do you think Giles ever played 'Anywhere But Here' when he was in school?"

Xander opened his eyes and smiled, "Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades."

Buffy laughed, "He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be math-ier.'"

"C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?" Willow asked.

"Are you kidding?" Buffy relied, "His diapers were tweed."

"So, what is so humorous for you three?" Giles asked the three giggling teens as he came in.

"Um, something Xander said about Amy Yip, white bathing suits, and waterslide parks." Willow quickly answered, causing a standing Xander to sit down quickly again.

"Damn you!" The boy slammed his head down on the library table. "You don't wave around kryptonite in front of superman just because his reaction amuses you."

"And with that geeky segue, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordained deathfest?" Buffy asked

"Ah, the old standards!" Xander said, smiling.

Giles fretted, "Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital."

"Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels," Buffy said, "Why can't they leave things alone. Us humans need that blood, too."

Giles nodded, "Hopefully they'll not get it. Uh, we'll meet outside the hospital at 8:30 sharp. I'll bring the weaponry."

Biffy chimed in, "I'll bring the party mix!"

"Mmm.. weaponized party mix." Xander smiled.

"Just don't be late," stated the watcher.

Buffy smiled, "Have I ever let you down?"

"Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?"

"Just glare, please. We don't have time to waste on long lists," Xander retorted. Buffy just rolled her eyes.

oOo

That evening, while Buffy and Angel were staking out the blood delivery and Xander and Willow were studying both magic and computers; the body of Deidre Page was stumbling along while rapidly decomposing. Not surprisingly in a town like Sunnydale, there were few humans walking around or unconscious after dark. Unfortunately, for the demon Eyghon, there were no other options. He needed to transfer his consciousness now or perish. Concentrating with all his might, the infernal denizen located the nearest compatible body. And as his former form melted into goo, one block away a largish brown blob suddenly quivered and took shape.

And after Eyghon carefully examined his new body, he just had to vocalize one question, "Why the hell do I smell like pudding?"

_AN: Feel free to shovel reviews into the story reactor_


	4. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_AN: Here you guys go, a longer chapter in thanks for all the great glowing reviews. Thanks everyone and enjoy!_

"Welcome home, son," Tony said as Xander came in after the study session at Willow's.

Xander looked around his newly redesigned home. It was still a small house, but the interior had gone from a 'white trash' look to a 'black magic' one. Dodge was disturbingly dressed in a French maid uniform that somehow fit his seven foot tall frame, and was groaning as he dusted - using actual dust. Apparently, his father had seen his son glancing around while not trying to dwell too deeply upon their new butler's apparel.

"If you're wondering, the house does seem a bit cramped. We don't even have enough room for the his and hers iron maidens that I purchased. I have to keep them in... a rented storage unit," The elder Harris shivered as if stating something unpleasant, "I've been talking to several real estate agents recently. With the prices of real estate around here and the amount I have made on the market, I think we can move into one of the old mansions on Crawford street."

"That's great dad."

"Isn't it, though. As soon as one of the real estate agents makes it out alive and contacts us, I can go to an open house. How do you feel about having a few vampire nests next door?"

Xander blinked, "Something to exterminate when schoolwork becomes a bit boring."

"Excellent! We can make a family activity out of it. A little meet and greet and stake the neighbors," Tony Harris grinned, "I'll start making the incendiary gift baskets! Oh, that reminds me. Since your mother's pregnancy, she has gotten a few cravings that I should say, are a bit odd."

"Exactly how odd?" Xander asked cautiously, only to be answered by loud Chinese cursing coming from the kitchen. "Um, who's that?"

"Well, since your mother has thankfully given up her attempts at cooking for a while," Xander could have sworn his father mumbled something about being outsmarted by pudding, "We decided to get rent out a cook. He came highly recommended."

The door to the kitchen cracked open as something small and grey streaked out of the kitchen and into the basement. This was followed as the kitchen door was opened fully by a stern looking sumo-huge Asian man wearing a blood-stained butcher's outfit and wielding a three-foot long cleaver.

"Where did fuzzy food go?" He asked in a heavy Chinese accent.

"Um, the basement," Xander replied. "Er, exactly what are you making?"

"General Mao's famous Siamese, er, no.. sesame chicken!"

Xander glanced into the kitchen and saw something sticking out of the immense wok. "Um, since when did 'chickens' have grey furry tails?"

The large Asian cook narrowed his eyes and brandished his massive cooking knife, "Since TODAY!"

With that, the man lumbered off into the basement muttering, "Heeere fuzzy, here fuzzy fuzzy."

Xander sighed, "So, dad. This guy, um, who or what exactly recommended him?"

Tony Harris just grinned.

The boy buried his face in his hands, "It was a 'what', wasn't it?"

Tony Harris continued grinning.

oOo

The next day, Xander and Willow were at the school. They wanted to ask a few clarifying questions on their computer studies homework from Jenny Calender while she was doing a little one-on-one with Cordelia.

When they entered the computer lab, Cordelia looked up from her book and snorted, "Oh great. Another thing for me to try to ignore."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked.

Cordelia just pointed to the front of the class. Philip, Giles' friend, was sitting at a desk in the far corner, engrossed in a book that looked like it came from Giles's private stash in the library. At the head of the class, Giles was talking to Jenny about their upcoming date.

It was then that Giles saw something on the desk which sparked his memory, "Uh, Miss Calender. Is that the notebook you were writing in when Xander's father..."

"No!" Jenny quickly hid said notebook and pretended to look innocent. "Whatever you're thinking that was, it's not. And I will most certainly not attempt to try items 4, 6, or 7 from it during our date."

"Can't.. can't we just go to a nice, um, monster truck show or something?" Giles stammered.

"I do love monster trucks." Jenny's smile grew big, "Just for that, maybe I won't try number 5 on the list as well."

"Right, then," said an exasperated Giles.

"Hey guys! Guess who I found sneaking around the library," Came Buffy's voice as she entered the room, dragging in Ethan Rayne by the neck using her slayer strength.

"Hello, Ripper. How's tricks?" Ethan said and then let out a grunt of pain as Buffy's grip tightened.

"You no talk now." Buffy spoke like someone would to a naughty puppy, "Bad costume store guy! Bad!"

"And guess who all I found? Everyone who has summoned me! Rupert, Ethan, Philip; long time no see," The computer door lab slammed open as the demon Eyghon strode in. His form looked like a tall muscled leather armor-clad demon that dripped brown goo with each step. Immediately he grabbed two computer monitors, yanked them loose of the wires, and tossed them at his stunned audience. One hit Ethan, knocking him out of Buffy's grip and robbing him of consciousness. The other hit a stunned Philip and took him down.

Grinning at the success of his attack, Eyghon tossed two more monitors. Giles, moving with the speed borne of a watcher that has been on the hellmouth, managed to duck his. The other hit Jenny Calender in the torso, rocking her head backwards into the blackboard and knocking her out.

"Jenny!" Giles exclaimed as he crawled over to his romantic interest and checked to see if she was alright. Willow, Xander, and Cordelia overturned the desks nearest to them and took cover.

Buffy raced at the demon at full slayer speed and launched a spinning side kick. With a 'glop'-like sound, Eyghon flew across the room until he impacted a wall with seemingly no damage whatsoever. The slayer then looked down. "Ew! You go goop all over my shoes! No one messes with the shoes!"

The tiny blond girl went into a combo of hits and kicks. Eyghon just smiled and took it all, again without any damage.

Buffy backed off. That was when her slayer-enhanced senses told her something. "Hmm, you smell like chocolate. Giles, why didn't you tell me that when you were a little Giles, you summoned up a chocolate demon?"

"I'm NOT a chocolate demon! I'm Eyghon, the Sleepwalker! A demon of pleasure and dreams." Eyghon proclaimed.

"Dreamy pleasure? Sounds like a demon of chocolate to me." Buffy said and thought for a moment before frowning. "Also, I associated dreamy pleasure with chocolate a bit too fast. I think it's been far too long since I've been on a date."

"So how do you know Giles and Ethan, then?" Willow asked from behind her overturned computer desk.

"They placed their mark on themselves and summoned me to posses them during their revels."

"Wait, revels?" Xander asked from behind his overturned desk.

Eyghon just grinned, "Orgies."

Buffy's eyes widened, "Oh, ew! Ew! EWwwww! Giles naked orgy! Ew!"

"Aughh!" Xander groaned, "You just had to place that image in my head. That's bunches, Buffy!"

"I was not the one to have gooey Giles-y chocolate demon orgies!"

"You know, if you just take out the words 'demon', "Giles-y", and 'not' from that.."

"Don't you finish that sentence, Xander!" Buffy pointed an accusatory finger at her friend, "I already have enough problems whenever someone starts speaking about Dobermen. I don't want to remember the Doberman! And I don't want any new permanently scarring mental images, thank you very much."

"Can we not talk about this at right this moment, please?" Giles said while checking to see that Philip was alright.

"Fine," Xander turned towards the demon, "So, exactly why are you here and what's the deal with your chocolate candy center body?"

"My old body was unable to hold in all of my magnificence without destroying itself. But this new body I found! It's perfect! I'm still not sure why, but there's been no decomposition at all. With this new body, I can conquer all of creation!" Eyghon ranted, "but first, I need to kill all those with my mark."

"Isn't getting a tattoo painful enough?" Xander quipped.

"No, not really," The demon just shook his head, "Besides, it was all part of the summoning contract. Live fast, die young, leave a handsome corpse and all that."

"Wait! You've been studying magic, Xander. Try one of your spells." Willow nudged her oldest friend.

"Okay.. um," Xander thought for a moment, "Ravage this demon as never before! Total destruction FROM MOUNTAIN TO SHORE!"

Nothing happened.

Willow just stared incredulously at her friend, "Did.. did you just channel Gargamel from the Smurfs?"

"Shut up." Xander blushed in embarrassment, "Fine. Magic, do what you will!"

Nothing happened.

Willow smiled gently, "That was from 'The Last Unicorn'. I love that movie!"

"Gaahh!" Xander buried his face in his hands. "I don't know any good offensive spells. I'm still trying to get small cantrips to do what I want them to."

"As entertaining as all of this is, I should be busy killing you all and then taking over the world about now." Eyghon said. Then, lightning quick, he turned both of his hands into long tentacles and swatted Xander and Buffy into a wall. Willow squeaked in fright and ducked down behind her overturned desk again.

"Hey watcher of mine. Did you know this 'Igor' demon could go all liquid terminator like this?" Buffy asked while ducking and rolling out of the way of a follow-up attack.

"He never could before." Giles replied while ducking behind the corner of the teacher's desk. The demon saw him, though, and easily grabbed a nearby chair with his tentacle before flinging in around the desk and into the British man. Giles groaned and faded into unconsciousness.

"Giles!" Buffy screamed and renewed her attacks. But all of them seemed ineffective against the demon's gelatinous body.

"Wait! Gooey. Chocolaty. Homicidal. You're what happened to one of Xander's mom's puddings!" Willow put together the pieces. "And Xander, you said last time her dinner was brought down by burning chainsaws."

"Oh that's great. Let's just waltz on over to the nearest 'Chainsaws on Fire Are Us' and pick some up pronto." Cordelia sniped.

"Shut up if you don't want to die, Cordelia." Willow scowled angrily.

"What? Talking won't change anything. The demon is already trying to kill us." The popular girl replied.

Willow narrowed her eyes, "I said 'die'. I didn't mean killed by the demon. Now unless you have a helpful idea, be quiet!"

The brunette cheerleader 'eeped' and ducked back behind her desk and away from Willow.

Xander nodded, "Yeah, my parents magically cast a fire burning spell on the things."

"Wait, the chainsaws were on fire magically?" Willow asked.

"Sure. What? You thought we just dipped the chainsaws in gasoline and lit them? That is completely against what it says in the instruction manuals!"

The redheaded girl shook her head and turned back towards Xander, "So I'm guessing fire will hurt it. Try every fire spell you've ever heard of, Xander!"

Xander nodded and held out his hands. "Okay. Um.. Incendio!"

Nothing happened.

"Fireball! Flamethrower attack! Explosion Array! Fiero! Burning hands! Ifrit! Magic missile plus five!"

Nothing happened.

"Damn it, why won't you just ignite?!"

Nothing happened.

The demon split his arm tentacles into four and doubled his efforts to spear the white hats.

"I came as soon as I gaughhhh!" Angel said as he rushed into the room only to be promptly speared through the chest by a chocolaty tentacle and thrown across the room.

"Well, he was a big help," Xander sighed and then turned to the demon, "You know, with all those chocolaty tentacles, shouldn't you wait until Willow, Cordelia, or Buffy were wearing sexy Japanese school girl uniforms or wrestling swimsuits or something?"

Immediately, Xander saw three angry glares shot in his direction. "And damn it if my brain-to-mouth filter chose this moment to stop working."

"As amusing as all this has been, I am through playing. It's been fun, but destiny awaits!" Eyghon said.

"Maybe, but not for you!" Xander said and made a rising motion with his hand. The demon rose into the air.

Everyone stared at the tentacled chocolate pudding demon that was hovering near the ceiling.

Eyghon just blinked. "Okay, so now I'm floating. Is there a point to this?"

Xander sweated, "Well, whenever I tried to levitate anything else before, it would kinda make with the fire and explode instead. But now, it seems to be working. So huh, what a time for that to happen?"

"Indeed." Eyghon agreed before spearing Xander with a tentacle through the abdomen and tossing him across the classroom and next to Angel's body. The levitation spell ended and the demon settled back on the ground.

"Xander!!" Willow screamed. She then faced the demon and stepped out slightly from behind her "You.. you.. big meanie!"

"And what are you going to do about it, girl?" Eyghon grinned.

Willow just narrowed her eyes, focused as much magic as she could into her intent, and said, "BURN!"

And like a struck match, the pudding demon caught ablaze. Screeching and flailing around, Eyghon felt his body start to give way to the magical flame.

With a last burst of strength, the demon extended his burning tentacles and speared a computer monitor through the glass screen before flinging it. Then, using the last of it's fading power, Eyghon transfered himself to the nearest unconscious body.

Xander was crawling along towards the burning demon, dragging Angel's body; when said body gave a twitch and started to spasm. A minute later, the twitching stopped.

"Ugh," Angel said, slowly coming back to consciousness, "Eyghon's gone. He tried to jump into me. Just his luck that I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waiting for a good fight."

"Winner and still champion," Buffy said before turning to Xander, "Are you okay? Good thing you thought of bringing Angel close, so 'Egg-run' here would have a host with a demon that could fight back."

"Err.. yeah," Xander scratched his head. His plan just called for using the vampire's body to club the flaming demon over the head until both stopped moving. That would have solved two problems at once. But this was good, too,

"I'm fine. I just need an hour or so for my intestines and kidney to regenerate themselves," Xander examined the massive bloody hole in his torso and shrugged, "No worries. Bastard ruined my shirt, though."

"What the hell happened here!?" The classroom doors opened and a fuming Principal Snyder walked in.

Xander looked around. There were broken computer monitors all over the floor, desks had been flipped over, brown goo was dripping from the walls and from the ceiling onto the floor, two teachers and several unknown adults were splayed out unconsciously, and in the middle of the room smoldered a happily bubbling chocolaty mess of pudding - still on fire.

The boy quickly pointed to Ethan's unconscious form. "A wizard did it!"

A large blob of goo chose that moment to fall from the ceiling right onto the principal's head.

"Wasn't me!" Xander exclaimed, "Blame the wizard!"

"I don't want to know. Just clean all this up or you and all your friends will be expelled," Snyder said while backing away through the doors.

Buffy chose that moment to climb out from behind a desk, "Is he gone yet?"

"Yeah, Snyder is.. oh my god!" Xander screamed as he noticed something in a corner behind Buffy. "Willow!!"

And there, in the corner, lay the redheaded witch in an ever expanding puddle of blood. The final thrown monitor at her side, and a large shard of broken glass embedded bloodily right in the middle of her forehead.

oOo

_AN: Yes, I thought of ending the chapter right here, because this is where a commercial would go if this was a series. But then, I realized that I hate cliffhangers. Enjoy!_

oOo

Buffy, Xander, Angel, and even Cordelia were at Willow's side almost instantly.

"She's still breathing," Angel exclaimed, "But her heart is slowing."

"We need to call a hospital!" Cordelia exclaimed and got out her cell phone, "I don't want her to die or get brain damage. It will be really hard for her to tutor me if she does either of those things."

"There's no time!" Xander said frantically and grabbed Cordelia's phone despite the girl's protests. The boy then dialed a number.

"Dad! It's an emergency. Willow's been hurt. She's dieing. I don't know how long. No, I don't think there's time for you to get a taco on the way. It doesn't matter what kind of topping I want, it's no time for tacos. Yes. Yes. Chicken is fine. Wait, I mean I don't care if you're there now, peel out of the takeout window and come save Willow now! Pronto!"

One minute later, Xander was eating a chicken taco while his parents shoo-ed everyone out of the classroom for secrecy. Willow was barely holding onto life as Tony and Jessica came up to Xander.

"You know what you are asking of us, right?" Tony asked seriously.

"Yeah. Willow will have to be adopted as my sister." Xander stated.

"Yes. Because the alternative, well, it's very impolite to get married when your bride is unconscious," Tony smiled, "Makes for an utterly forgettable honeymoon."

"Riiight," Xander said before turning to his best friend as her breathing slowed even more and set down the Orb of Thesulah just in case, "Let's do this!"

oOo

"Uhh, why do I feel like I should have a headache?" Willow said as she came back to consciousness several hours later, "Oh, hi Xander."

Xander smiled, "And hello to you, my new sister."

"Wha.. What?" Willow blinked in confusion.

"Had to adopt you into the family to save your life. You were almost killed by a computer monitor," Xander said.

"You know, that was very similar to the way I thought I'd leave this world," Willow smiled.

The smile faded when Tony started to talk, "Welcome to the family, new daughter of ours. But, don't worry. Good news. Genetically, you're still different enough for an 'incest is best' relationship!"

Xander's father then added with an even bigger grin, "Heh, 'Willow' plus 'incest' equals 'wincest'!"

"Dad!" Xander exclaimed in embarrassment.

Jessica chimed in, "Don't worry, daughter Willow, the process you underwent makes you immune to every STD and you can only get pregnant if you focus strongly on the desire during intercourse."

"Free love has never been free-er," Tony Harris added.

Willow shook off a newly recurring compulsion to just jump Xander's bones right then and there, "So, how does this process work?"

"We can show you the exact ritual later," Jessica elegantly drawled out, "But theoretically, you realize that a vampire is essentially a dead human animated and held together by demonic energies, right?"

Willow nodded.

"Well then, our family discovered a way to make it so a person is held together by magical energies instead. That way, you have most of the gifts of vampires; speed, strength, near invulnerability - and none of the weaknesses like aversion to sunlight, exploding when staked by wood through the heart, loosing your soul, or worst of all, a liquid diet."

"Wow!" Willow exclaimed. Then had a thought, "So what exactly are the drawbacks of this procedure?"

Jessica answered, "Well, while your speed is greater than a fledgling vampire, almost to slayer levels, your strength isn't as great. This process can not be leaked outside the family, of course. And it does have a rather high failure rate."

"Um, what happens if it fails?"

Xander shrugged, "Your head would have exploded."

"Your head, if you were lucky!" Tony added with a grin.

Willow, always the bright one, quickly put two and two together, "Wait! Ford! Is that what happened?"

Xander gave a nod, "He wanted to sacrifice Buffy to a bunch of vamps in exchange for being turned. I stopped him and decided to give him what he wanted. I used him as a guinea pig for my first try doing it solo. It didn't work. Then mom saved his soul and made him a new body. He's our new butler. I named him 'Dodge'."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He had a whole automotive thing going on with 'Ford' and all. Also, I figure it's a small price to pay for curing his tumors and increased lifespan and strength in a new shiny body. Speaking of which, we need to call Dodge and have him clean all this mess up. Snyder saw all this and threatened to expel everyone."

Willow 'eeped'.

"Not you, Willow. You were too busy lying with a big old glass shard in your noggin," Xander said, "Speaking of which..."

With a yank, the bloody shard came free of Willow's forehead. The wound closed almost instantly.

"I was wondering why it was itchy there." The redhead was amazed that it the wound didn't hurt at all, "But other than a little itchiness, I don't feel too different. I know I'm your new mystically adopted sister, Xander, but don't expect me to speak in perfect deadpan all the time or put my hair into two long braids."

Xander smiled, "But your name even starts with the same letter as Wednesday."

"Hmm, Willow Harris? It's got a nice ring, "Willow remembered her childhood fantasies of marriage to her best friend, "Too bad it can't be legal."

"Actually," Jessica Harris gave a slim smile, "I weaved a bit of magic with the legal system. Due to your parents' negligence and subsequent adoption into a family that actively wants you, indeed now you actually are 'Willow Harris', dear."

"Still like I said, it doesn't mean you can't marry Xander later. It'd be a very Brady Bunch thing to do, but that's still legal in most states, I think," Tony said with a grin.

"What if my natural parents contest?"

"I think we will have no problems convincing them," Tony Harris' grin widened and grew a touch more sinister. Then he had another thought, "You're now in the family! I can't believe this. You know, there's never been a member of the family like her before."

"What?" Xander exclaimed, "Jewish?"

"No, a natural redhead!" The father grinned while wagging his eyebrows, "Very exotic."

oOo

There were massive hugs all around when Willow came out of the disarrayed computer room. While most everyone were clustered around a new smiling Willow, Xander's parents helped with with anyone still unconscious. Giles and Jenny woke up (with Jenny more than a little wary around her former beau), but Philip was still out of it.

Xander then noticed something, "Hey, Mom, Dad, where did Ethan go?"

"Oh, him?" Tony grinned, "Well, we figured the new torture room had been so empty lately."

"Besides, we still have to 'thank' him for all that he has done to us," Jessica Harris nodded.

Xander's father added with more than a little malice, "Thank him.. repeatedly!"

That was why on the ride home, Xander just smiled and told Willow to ignore the recurring thumping noise coming from the family car's trunk.


	5. Chapters 11 and 12

AN: My muse of writing went off with my pixie of procrastination. Procrastination came back alone, nervously announcing that my muse was now on some large farm where she was free to run around and chase rabbits all day long. Then she showed me years worth of excellent fanfiction written by you folks out there.

I posted Chapter 11 a while ago elsewhere, but now I figured I should finish up this story. It was fun, but the fact that my attention span is that of a caffeinated squirrel shiny distracty things everywhere! If anyone wants to write in this world of what happened in the interim or afterwords, you have my blessing. Just let me know so I can read it. Without further ado, here it is, tying up all the loose ends without a beta.

Chapter 11

"So if vampires dust when their demonic energies are disrupted, what exactly can kill me now?" Willow asked inside the car.

"Excellent question , daughter," Jessica smiled from the passenger's side seat, "Always know your limits. How else will you know what to surpass? Vampires were created by a fleeing old-one level demon mixing it's blood with that of a human. But just like our surrogate fictional family found out in their hasty move from Transylvania, there is not that much time to plan effectively when you are trying to escape. So unlike us, who are a result of generations of mystical planning; vampires are of a poor design. However unlike vampires, we are not immortal. We do age, although the process is far slower than ordinary people."

"So daughter of mine, to answer your question, if you were to be cut up into little pieces and not scattered; it would take you only a little while to come back together and you'll be lethargic for the next day or so. The same would happen if an intact you were to suddenly catch and remain on fire for a few hours. However as fun as either of those can be, the combination of the two may overpower the magical energies," Tony said while driving.

"Usually to make sure, our more clever of enemies would scatter our ashes to the winds," Jessica smiled, "Although with the massive innate magical potential you have, Willow daughter, even that may not be enough. The more magical you are, the more the magical energies keeping your body together can draw upon in an emergency. An interesting note is that innate magical ability also helps lessen the chance of the initial process' failure."

Willow nodded. After a few minutes, the girl's eyes widened when she remembered something Tony had said, "I'm glad my head didn't explode. Hard to make with the smoochies with an explode-y head. Oh and *hey*! How did you know I was a natural redhead?"

Xander's father grinned and looked back, "Just guessed from the color of your eyebrows. Most girls don't color them if they color their hair. And no offense, but you don't seem vain enough to color your hair to the roots every day. So that is that. Oh, and I know what you're probably thinking now, and just to reassure you, no matter how much I tried to convince him it was part of the ritual, Xander kept refusing to strip your body and lather your naked form with Nutella and slowly lick it off later."

Willow started to blush as red as her hair at that thought, but slowly got herself under control. If she was going to be living in the Harris household from now on, she would have to learn to deal with a Tony Harris that combined Gomez Addams' sense of humor and libido with that of his former self. That was why when Xander was actively sputtering and protesting that he would never do such a thing, she just put on a small wry smile and answered, "Yeah. I may not be at Cordelia's level of make-up trivia knowledge, but even I know that coloring your hair that often would damage it and make it look yucky. And thank you Xander. I would really rather be awake and aware for any naked Nutella licking rituals involving you in the future."

Truth be told, Willow did think that the shade of red Xander suddenly turned was cute.

Jessica Harris just smiled as the newest member of the family started to learn the flirting game, "You know, if you keep this up, Willow daughter, we may just have to have a traditional shotgun wedding for you two."

"Okay," Willow said, "I know what one of those is to the rest of the world. What is a traditional Harris shotgun wedding like?"

"Well, you and your groom both get large guns or rifles, colts and Winchesters. Load them all with enchanted ammo. Then, go and gather as many evil demons and vampires you can to attend the wedding. Once the ceremony is finished, the reception begins," Tony said with a wide grin.

"And what happens during the reception?" asked Xander.

"Why, that's when you and your new bride open up with your weapons on the guests together," Jessica said wistfully, "What more can you want from a great wedding reception? Demon's heads exploding, vampires dusting in unison. Plus, a tastefully decorated cake."

"You know," Willow smiled. She was definitely going to like her new family, "That does sound like a great fun wedding reception."

"Excellent!" Tony grinned, "Just give us the word and we'll start bespelling the ammo."

"Bubalah, dear. Let's give our new Willow daughter a little time to adjust first," Jessica smiled, turned around from the passenger's side seat and patted Willow on the head, "She's still in the adorable 'everything is new' phase. Or maybe just in shock. Also equally adorable."

When they arrived at home, Willow was introduced to Dodge, whom she promptly scolded for his wanting to sacrifice Buffy. Dodge then took the car and drove to school to clean up the mess per his orders.

Xander did have the vague suspicion that he had forgotten something as he opened the door to the house, but decided that he'd eventually remember what it was if it was important enough.

Dodge, for his part, simply ignored the thumping sound coming from the car's trunk. It wasn't in his orders to investigate, and personally he could care less.

On the other hand, Tony Harris watched as the late 80's rusty Monte Carlo drove away and thought that they should soon be able to afford something a bit more roomier and a bit more classy. This being Sunnydale, he was sure there was at least one hearse on the market at all times.

Jessica Harris was daydreaming in her mind about what type of cake she would try to make for the wedding. It just wasn't a proper wedding unless there was a final battle with a tastefully decorated cake.

"Here you are, kids! Your new room!" Tony announced proudly, "Except for you, Xander. It's your old room."

Both Xander and Willow were shocked. Willow had been to Xander's room before, but between the clutter and the clothes on the floor, there was barely enough space for Xander all by himself in the tiny bedroom.

"Uh, dad," Xander started slowly and calmly, "Not to rain on your parade or anything, but I thought Willow would stay in the basement. At least until we can move out or something."

"There's nothing wrong with your room, son of mine. Why it is a time-honored practice to let children grow up in the same room."

"That's usually before the kids are of high school age, dad! And there *is* one thing wrong with my room. There's only one bed!"

"Well, yes. I noticed," Tony said with a smile to Xander and Willow, both of whom happened to have turned a bright shade of red, "I did master basic counting sometime around my kindergarten years. Just try not to be too loud when exploring each others' bodies. Because then, your mother might hear and it would make her also very... actually, you know what? Go ahead and be as loud as you want. You kids seem to have had a busy, busy day what with battling a pudding monster and Willow almost getting killed and whatever else you wacky children of mine did today. We'll go ahead and pick up Willow's stuff tomorrow."

Willow and Xander looked at the single twin-sized bed, then at each other. "We need a bigger house!" they said in unison.

oOo

Tony Harris walked outside when Dodge had returned from his task. He walked over to the trunk of the car and banked on it with his fist twice, while yelling, "Marco!"

From inside the rear of the car came unintelligible muffled whimpering.

"Good enough!" Tony said and popped open the trunk, revealing a hog tied and gagged Ethan Rayne.

Xander's father quickly removed the gag with a quick, practiced motion.

"Bloody hell! It felt like I was in that thing forever!" Ethan exclaimed before smiling in a manner he thought was charming, "Do you mind untying the rest of me now? I promise to leave this town and all. Besides, I have the worst cramps. And I do believe all my assembled limbs have fallen asleep at the same time."

"Excellent, old chap! Don't worry. In fact, I mean to thank you for changing the lives of my family so positively. To thank you, I happen to have two openings in my household that you'll simply be perfect for. First, my son and daughter are magical and seem to be in need of some expert tutoring since me and my lovely wife are very, very frequently... indisposed. Now Willow is a powerful mage, but she's fairly straightforward. Her elements are fire for offense and rapid change, and water for mind and adaptability. A powerful combination that can make for a powerful battle mage."

"Now Xander, on the other hand, has a rarer elemental affinity. His elements are earth for strength and defense, and chaos for power and unpredictability. My son has tons of power, but no focus. Him casting spells is like trying to swat a fly with a stick of dynamite. Most of the time, nothing will happen when you miss. It's when you hit the fly that you should start worrying. And, since you are a self-styled Chaos mage, I figured who better to tutor him? Right?"

"Great!" Said Ethan Rayne, although inside he was alternating between seething about having to train a snot-nosed brat and trying to come up with a plan to escape as soon as his binds were undone. "Oh, you mentioned two possible jobs?

"Of course! You see, we're looking to buy one of several mansions. But all of the ones we have seen have simply awful lawns!"

Ethan was confused, "So... you're looking for a landscaper?"

"Not quite, my good chap," Tony grin widened, "We're looking for mulch!"

"Oh," Ethan Rayne's eyes widened in sudden understanding.

oOo

"Xander, stop laying on the floor, grab that pillow, and get up in your bed!" Willow said with full resolve face.

"But, but...," the boy sputtered.

"Yes I know I have a butt, but I'll try to keep in under the covers so it doesn't offend you, okay?"

"That's not what I meant. I mean.. er.. must stop thinking about my new sister's cute butt.. um.. I mean, I can still go sleep in the basement."

"I'm not going to have you sleep in the same room as Ethan Rayne. I don't care if he did sign a contract in blood; I don't trust him. Now make with the getting yourself off the floor and into bed, mister!"

Xander reluctantly grabbed his pillow and got in bed next to his former best friend - turned adopted sister.

They both laid stiffly, staring straight up for several minutes. Willow broke the silence first.

"You really think my butt is cute?" she shifted to face the boy.

"Mm hmm." Xander nodded affirmatively; hoping to show enthusiasm, but not *too much* enthusiasm.

"Thanks!" a smiling Willow shifted back on her back. Now all she had to do was not think about (what she could only presume) was a large flashlight (which she had 'accidentally' brushed up against) that Xander was keeping in his boxer shorts for some reason.

It was going to be a long night for both of them.

oOo

"And let's never talk about the positions we woke up in ever again," Willow said firmly.

"Agreed," Xander nodded, before widening his eyes in realization. He started to race around the room, picking up his clutter and looking everywhere.

"What are you doing, Xander?"

The boy looked at his new sister, "Searching for any cameras my parents may have hidden."

"They're you're.. our parents, Xander. Do you really think they would do something like that?" Willow asked, and then thought about exactly what she had said, "What am I saying? Here, I'll help you look!"

Half an hour later, the two teenagers came down for breakfast looking disheveled and sweaty.

"What exactly have you two been doing?" Jessica asked with mild curiosity and a mischievous smile.

"It's not what you think!" Willow eeped, "We were searching for hidden cameras!"

"Now why would you think we would hide cameras in your room?"

"I'm sorry, mom," Xander said.

"That is all right, son," Jessica said, before adding, "You should know better. There is no point to us hiding cameras in your room when we were completely out of film."

"Err... so when are we moving to a bigger house?" the boy quickly tried to change subjects.

"Your father is out as of this moment, looking at properties with our new magic tutor. We needed more space when it was just your new baby sibling on the way," Jessica patted her slightly showing belly, "Now that you've quickly gathered a new sister and live-in magic tutor, finding a larger domicile became an even greater priority."

Xander sat down between his mother and sister, "It's too bad we can't stay at your old house, Willow."

Jessica faced her son, "Why ever not? That is a grand idea!"

"What if they're home?"

Xander's mother was nonplussed, "How does that matter?"

"But we would make a mess, and be living in a house that's not ours. One that belongs to other people," Xander scrabbled for excuses.

"The same people who kept abandoning your little sister for up to several months at a time?"

No one spoke as they took in Willow's less than ideal childhood.

Willow, herself, was the first to break the silence, "Don't worry, Xander. My old house isn't that big. I'll show you around the place."

"Excellent!" Jessica Harris exclaimed, "Dodge!"

"What.. do... you.. need... mistress?" Dodge growled out as he came up from the basement. He had been busy making the cement-walled storage space livable for Ethan Rayne.

"Dodge, pick up everything of sentimental value. Then pick up everything of significant monetary value. Move them both out onto the lawn so you can load both piles into the car when my husband comes back."

Jessica looked around the small family house, "There are so many memories here. Such memories."

She turned towards the hulking former student-turned-butler, "After you finish your task, set most of the house on fire. Leave the kitchen. Hopefully, the flames would take their time before they fall upon my former cooking attempts inside the refrigerator freezer. Those were the ones we couldn't burn. They were... extra spicy."

Dodge just groaned and went back down into the basement.

"Are you sure about the fire, mom?" Xander asked.

"Of course, son. With luck, Tony will be back in time to watch the flames expediently consume the alcohol-stained walls. My only regret is that my sculptures of empty alcoholic beverage containers will not be able to make the trip with us," she pointed to the living room where the horrible *things* she had constructed mostly out of glass sat impossibly, reveling in their non-euclidean geometries and almost daring someone to stare at them directly for longer than five seconds at a time.

"Yes. A great loss," Xander said in perfect deadpan, "H.R. Geiger would have been proud."

oOo

Luckily, for them, the Rosenbergs were out of town on a lecture circuit. And even though they had acknowledged loosing custody of Willow, at least in written documents, they never bothered taking away her house keys.

The larger temporary house proved to be a godsend. Tony and Jessica broke in the master bedroom. Willow stayed in her old room, but Xander managed (despite his parents' preferences of just moving another bed into the redhead's room) to snag a guest room next to his new sister. Dodge had to make a new unfurnished basement habitable for both himself and his new roommate, Ethan.

The next few weeks passed by relatively quickly. A new daily pattern emerged consisting of patrolling, magic lessons at home, hanging out with Buffy, and Willow's new hobby of trying to create new and innovative magical weapons. At least until the notices were posted on the school board announcing the upcoming career week.

**Chapter 12**

"I can't believe it's been four years already." Xander Harris said to his little toddler of a sister as they both walked slowly through one of the many Sunnydale cemeteries. They were dressed darkly, the toddler in a small black children's robe and Xander in a gray-scale Hawaiian shirt, having left his many stolen vampire trench coats at home on this hot California summer's evening. "It feels it was only yesterday I was thinking up names for you."

The littlest Harris turned around and gave a glare worthy of someone far older than her. "I can't believe that you actually named me Dawn-patrol. My legal name is Dawn-patrol Lavella Harris. Why is my legal name so horrible?"

"Oh trust me, the names mom and dad were throwing about makes Dawn-patrol the best possible option."

"What, Puberta was already taken?" Dawn-patrol said as she idly kicked a small rock into a headstone out of frustration.

"That one was actually brought up before being tossed out due to it being too predictable." Xander stated.

"Still, I can't believe any of the names thrown about would be worse than Dawn-patrol."

Xander turned his head and stared at his little sister before slowly speaking one word, "Menstrualassma."

"Dawn-patrol is great. I love my name. Thank you so much, big brother." the little girl said in her usual unemotional monotone.

Willow made an awful Wednesday Addams equivalent. Instead, Willow far easier settled into the role of the resident mad scientist, claiming the attic of the new family mansion. Her first invention that worked were fake glasses that had a display inside and sensors that would tell her almost everything about whomever was looked at. When Willow first met Joyce Summer's new beau, Ted, her glasses gave out a series of beeps and tones. To Buffy's mother's surprise, this caused Willow to instantly pull out her over-sized taser and send who knows how many volts through the newly apparent robot, which responded by letting out a billow of smoke and falling down while spastically twitching.

Then, Willow dragged his body away while exclaiming how she now had an evil robot to experiment on.

Apparently with updated modern technology and the latest magic, Willow was able to compress 70's technology Ted from evil man-sized robot, to a helpful robot severed hand. The redhead claimed that his processors were so much more powerful that she even had room to install a multitude of weapons. Xander was sure some of which they still hadn't discovered. Now that the Harris family had their own version of Thing, Dodge was happy to have some help around the house.

That however, was not the only outcome of Willow finding a magical robot. Xander didn't know how his former oldest friend and new sister had done it, but she had created and hidden a robot factory somewhere in town. Willow-bots were being churned out in various shapes and sizes, a few of which were indistinguishable from Willow herself.

Actually, most of the 'people' out late at night in Sunnydale these days were Willow-bots in different forms. And Willow did really good work making them indistinguishable from normal humans. Even vampires couldn't tell a real person from a Willow-bot, right up until the screaming, panicking prey stopped screaming and shoved their hand through the bloodsucker's chest, casually pulling out their spine. This meant that there was hardly anything to do on patrols these days. Still, the long walks were good exercise.

There were other challenges the Harris family encountered and solved in their usual way. A way that usually involved explosions and chainsaws. And exploding chainsaws. When Buffy and her vampire boyfriend, Angel, finally had sex - the normal boring kind without dobermans, live electrical wires, or alien clown costumes that squirted vanilla pudding, or anything really interesting; much to the dismay of Tony Harris when he finally learned of it as he was putting away his own alien clown costume, the act caused Angel to lose his soul. Xander, who had never liked 150+ year old men taking advantage of 16 year old girls who were also his friends, simply strolled into the army base and left in a large truck packed with a variety of military grade weaponry. He even got Willow to make a Willow-bot that looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger before giving it the appropriate mini-gun. Of course Willow had to one-up him by creating a robot version of the Predator, complete with alien weaponry and a cloaking device that ran on magic. Angel's last words were, "I can't believe I'm going to be done in by movie characters."

This led into Willow using her robots to directly take over the various criminal syndicates and steal their money, rather than through hacking like she had been doing. The few individuals that escaped the purge of the criminal leaders had to either keep their mouth shut or come to the police with the story of how Alex Trebek, a Bigfoot who wore a three-piece-suit and top-hat, and a purple-unicorn-riding Strawberry Shortcake walked into their headquarters, ignored every bullet sent their way, and shot the criminals' bosses with giant guns that looked like large candy canes, all the while Richard Nixon danced a jig on a tabletop.

None of the survivors chose to go to the police.

Due to a lack of friends with similar interests, especially ones that they could hang around without horrible memories, Buffy and Kendra slowly developed a comradeship. Both were slayers, Kendra was coming out of her isolationist shell and becoming a person, and Buffy was slowly starting to forgive the Harrises for their role in the elimination of her soulless boyfriend. Amy and Oz joined them as slayerettes after the Hansel and Gretel demon fiasco, despite Xander telling that shoving the fairy tale demon into a working oven was traditional. Perhaps they couldn't face the truth that cooked demon tasted a lot better than most of the school's lunches. Best Sloppy-Joe ever.

During graduation when the Mayor began to change, the entire class threw off their graduation robes revealing missile launchers or other heavy weaponry. The vampires that came out during the eclipse found out the hard way that none of the teenagers or their parents present were actually human. Especially when one potential prey, who looked exactly like Harmony Kendall, opened her mouth and spat out a long blast of burning napalm. Xander quipped that it was the most intelligent thing to come out of Harmony's mouth that year, but none of the nearby Willow-bots laughed. One actually replied that that statement wasn't actually true since, on a dare, Harmony had oral sex with one of the chess club members. Then the Willow-bots started laughing.

The burning remains of the Mayor and the few captured vampires were dragged down into Willow's new warehouse lab of doom and never heard from again. Buffy and Kendra, after a demon-less evening protecting the real students at the real graduating ceremony in a new location, went home and watched Disney movies together.

When the Harris family found out about the initiative by way of Willow's magical computer monitoring, they did the logical thing. They went to the higher ups and told them that they could already make all the magical robots they needed for half the price and non of the R&D costs. And that Maggie Walsh was planning on creating her own zombie-demon-robot army and taking over the country, at least according to her myspace blog. The Initiative was shut down the next day, and the newly formed generically named Harris Industries - with the Tony Harris' created company motto of "Hi! That's short for Harris Industries!" - got a very large government order. Somehow, Willow also acquired the capability of creating vampire behavioral control chips and improved energy-based weapons. Both of which were used on Spike seconds after he rolled into town. In fact many evil demons were dragged down into Willow's warehouse lab of doom, including Buffy's first roommate and a vengeance demon named Anyanka, but only Spike managed to escape. Or so he claimed, despite the first thing he did upon waking up was removing an overly large tracking tag on his ear.

Xander realized that he now no longer needed money, but still he wanted to help out in the family business. That meant that he applied and got accepted into Sunnydale University along with Buffy, Kendra, Amy, and a Willow-bot that looked like his sister. When the Gentlemen come to town and remove everyone's voices, they failed to realize that any Willow-bot's digitized voice works perfectly fine against them. The Willow-bot that looked like Willow, however, discovered something about herself. Namely, the attraction and attention of one Tara Maclay. When Tara and Xander convinced her that they would like to see the real Willow, they become the first non-demon non-robot individuals, besides Willow, to enter the warehouse lab of doom.

"Glad you're rocking the whole Borg Queen look there Willow." Xander remembered when he first saw his sister's organic body attached to a high-tech wall. The massive cables and circuitry extending outwards from her head and spine making the redhead look almost like the Leonardo Da Vinchi famous drawing of The Vitruvian Man, except that Willow was wearing the remains of one of her puffy pink sweaters and a flowing skirt.

"Don't worry. I'm not about to go all 'resistance is futile' yet or anything." she smiled as she said in long unused voice.

"And it's that little 'yet' that makes me do the worry thing, sis." Xander said. It looked like the Harris family magic was keeping her body from either atrophying or rejecting all the implants. "Any chance you can disconnect yourself?"

Willow sighed, "Yes, but it's the same chance as you using a spoon to scoop out your eyes or sever a limb. That's before you were exposed to the family magics, I mean. I've been connected into so much for so long, that all those robots out there are acting like extra eyes and ears. And skin. And I also put a few extra mystical senses in as well. If you disconnected me, it would be the same as blinding and deafening me. I.. I would probably recover from the shock, but I don't think I would be the same."

In the end, they decided not to disconnect Willow. Instead, Xander and Tara would become her moral compasses. They would make trips to see the real Willow every week. Tara was pleased that Willow said that the robots were fully functional, and even joked that she should build Xander a girlfriend; but Xander said it would still be his sister in control and that way lies banjos and bad river trips, even if they were not formally related by blood. Willow just shrugged and said she wouldn't mind if Tara wouldn't. She also fully scanned Tara. Other than having access to magic and a few healed broken bones that made Willow growl angrily, the scan revealed that there was absolutely nothing demonic about her. Willow cheerfully announced that Tara was as normal as the next magical lesbian robot-loving girlfriend.

While Willow made a horrible Wednesday Addams, little Dawn-patrol made a perfect one. For instance, her first word was 'whatever'. She had a perfect deadpan monotone voice and, according to Tony and Jessica Harris, was already handling razor sharp knives at a fourth grade level. That was why, when she and Xander found a monk who told them that his order hid a mystical power known as the key inside her, Dawn jammed a throwing knife into the monk's leg. When the monk painfully claimed that they had to put it with someone who could protect it from the beast and were running short on time to make any other decision, Dawn-patrol said that was the only reason the knife wound wasn't lethal, adding, or in another place on a man's body that someone of her height could easily reach. Xander quipped to the monk, "Now who did you want to protect whom, again?"

When Glory showed up, Dawn walked right up to her, and calmly stated that they knew where her key was and what's more, were willing to help her go back to her own dimension, since she didn't want to be here and no one else really wanted her in the human dimension either. Just give them a week to figure out a way of using the key without destroying all dimensions, including Glory's original one, then they would all meet back here in the cemetery. Meanwhile, Glory should enjoy the vacation by shopping and going to spas and movies and such here. All she had to loose was a week. Then after which, if we fail, the hell goddess can do the whole evil threatening thing.

Amazingly, Glory agreed and left with all her minions. That was a week ago.

It took Tony, Jessica, Tara, Willow, and live-in magic tutor Ethan Rayne delving into various branches of magic, technology, technomancy, magi-tech, and what was dimly remembered from their alternate Halloween memories, before all that effort was promptly thrown away due to Willow discovering a book on portals in the Stewart Brunell Public Library in Los Angeles. Using that book, a few drops of Dawn's blood, and a magic ritual; they were able to create a portal to wherever they wanted, including Glory's original home.

Soon, Dawn started practicing teleporting herself. When Xander asked why, she replied that the only thing better that a little girl that can knife-stab you is a little girl that can teleport and then knife-stab you. Xander simply nodded in understanding. There were many, many times he wished he could teleport. That dream died cruelly when his father implied to him exactly what would happen if he ever tried Dawn's method. Xander did not have any idea what the thing in the briefly glanced Polaroid had been originally, but it was probably not a screaming blob of salsa.

Tony claimed that he started to create variations of the teleportation spell ritual out of boredom. Apparently, interesting things happened when he used both Dawn-patrol's key infused and Xander's chaotic blood together. Xander knew that magic tended to act strange around him, and he'd seen enough Star Trek episodes to know where things are going when magical teleportation becomes involved. That is also why he refused to examine or even look directly at any more pictures of what remained of Tony's test subjects.

Glory and her entourage showed up and Tony Harris gladly stated that they were able to create a portal to get her home. They had both happily left an hour ago.

"Do you think anything will go wrong?" Xander asked his littlest sister.

"Father is involved, isn't he? Of course something will go wrong." Dawn watched past the cemetery fence where a young jogger was running along. Suddenly, a vampire leaped out of the shadows and tackled the young woman onto the ground. The vampire got into his game face, ready to bite down when the lady jogger's head twisted an impossible 180 degrees, opened it's mouth and spat out a blast of napalm. The Willow-bot got up brushing off the ashes, rotated her head back into place, and continued on her jog with a smile.

"Newbie." Dawn stated to the ashes of the former vampire, some of which were still burning.

"The Hellmouth still attracts the idiots." Xander said. Then he saw Buffy and Kendra racing up to him.

His little sister pointed at the two slayers with a questioning expression on her face.

"No, not them." Xander grinned, adding, "Usually. Let's see what they want."

"Xander, I need your help," Buffy exclaimed before looking around, "Your dad's not here, is he?"

"Nope. He's playing find the portal with a hell goddess." Xander said with a smile.

"Find the.. um, never mind. Wait, hell goddess?"

"Yup. At least that's what my sister's magic robot's eyeglasses said about her."

"What be this magic robot sister?" Kendra spoke up and was interrupted by Buffy.

"Trust me, its one of these headache-making thingies that gives you the head pains when talking about them with Xander or Xander's family," adding, "No offense, Xander. Dawnie."

"None taken," said Xander.

"Don't call me 'Dawnie'," his sister stated in an adorable yet creepy monotone.

Buffy nodded, "Right."

"So what did you need help with?" the boy prodded.

"It's my mother. She's in the hospital. They say it's a tumor. I just don't want anything to happen to her."

"Your mom? Yeah, I'll see what we can do. You do realize that if the worst happens, we'll have to adopt her into the family. That would mean some changes in how she acts. Unless you want Willow to put her mind in a robot. I think she can do that now."

"No. No robo-moms for me, please."

A familiar voice called out as a smiling Tony Harris walked up to the group still dressed in his striped suit, but now carrying an ominously large burlap sack, "Robo-mom? Is this something I should look into getting into, if you catch my drift?"

"No. Nope, nopey, nope, " Xander shook his head, "All Willow-bots are still connected to my sister. So if you try anything with any of them, I will strap you down and force you to watch awful religious cartoons. The extra preachy kind. They will go on long after your mind self destructs in a futile effort to escape your body. They will play until every time you close your eyes, all you'll be able to see is what the baby jesus would look like if he'd been born an animated cucumber."

Buffy was amazed that for the first time after that fated Halloween, she witnessed a look of fear pass across Tony Harris' face.

Then Xander asked, "So what happened to little miss hellgod?"

"Glory? She made it back to her home dimension safe and sound." Tony grinned. It was not a smile of someone that had truly helped a hell goddess. Xander, Dawn, Buffy, and even Kendra stared at him with suspicion.

"Well, most of her did." Tony elaborated, "All the major organs at least."

Xander's father suddenly looked up in serious thought before putting down his closed burlap sack and asking, "Wait, is the skin a major organ?"

Dawn calmly nodded, "It's the largest organ in the body."

"Only for some of the less fortunate people." Tony grinned, right before Dawn stabbed him in the leg and knocked his grin off. "Right, don't want to traumatize Buffy's virgin ears. Speaking of.."

Dawn-patrol stabbed him again, speaking, "Focus. You were saying?"

"Glory? Okay, most of her major organs made it safely. Just as I promised." The elder Harris nodded to himself while applying bandages to his now bleeding leg. It was mostly for show and to appease his littlest daughter, because even without the bandage the wound was closing up incredibly quickly.

"You be promising her arriving without her skin? And she be accepting of this?" Kendra asked in horrified wonder.

"I promised her I would get her back home and that she would be alive. And she was. How long she stays that way without her skin is completely up to her."

Everyone stared at him before little Dawn spoke up, "Why did you want her skin anyways?"

Tony smiled again, "I played a little dungeons and dragons when I was younger. A little tanning, a little curing, and I figure I can make a really nice suit of armor from the skin of a hell goddess. Studded leather armor of Glory plus five, at least!"

Before she could stop herself, Buffy spoke up, "What do you mean, studded leather?"

Tony grinned, "Well you see, she had this piercing."

Xander was proud of his little sister. Dawn hardly even shuddered. Not like Buffy.

End.


End file.
